My Journey from Brokenness to Healing.

Let me start by saying I am not writing this for attention, not writing this for people to feel bad for me, and I’m not writing this with ulterior motives. I’m writing this because I want to brag on my God and I believe wholeheartedly that God wants to turn our biggest mess into our greatest ministry. This is my journey from brokenness to healing.

              Around 5 months ago, I went through a really terrible breakup. I made some mistakes in the relationship that caused me guilt and shame that caused me to make even more mistakes after the relationship ended which caused even more guilt and shame. Notice the cycle? I felt like I was drowning in shame and guilt yet I kept making the same mistakes because it eased my pain temporarily and it helped me to forget everything I had lost. At the same time though I hated myself. I hated myself for messing up so badly, for breaking someone’s heart, and for forsaking my Savior. I couldn’t forgive myself, and I didn’t think others would forgive me either. To be perfectly honest, I was at such a low point that I prayed that God would take me home to be with him. I didn’t want to love life. I didn’t even want to live it. I stopped eating and I couldn't sleep because of how anxious and upset and ashamed I was. Eventually, I slipped into depression. I would have panic and anxiety attacks and I lost all motivation for everything. I felt like I was in this pit of despair and I couldn’t figure out how to get out. I was this way for at least 2 months…and it sucked.  

Thankfully, the story does not end there.

Thankfully, I can say BUT GOD.

              That is the part of the story I want to focus on. See, so often as Christians I feel like we try to pretend everything is all right when it is not. We all have baggage. We all have experienced pain and loss. Why do we so often try to hide it? Why are we sometimes afraid to tell people we are suffering? And especially, why is it so hard for us to ask for help? As I said earlier, God can turn our mess into our greatest ministry if we allow Him to. I know this has been true for me, which is why I want to share my journey from brokenness to healing with people. I love bragging on my God, and let me tell you; my God has done some crazy things in my life these last 5 months. The truth is I’m not the same person I used to be, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that.  This is how I would describe myself 6 months ago: Fearful, people-pleaser, chameleon (by this I mean I molded into whatever environment I was in), confused, selfish, prideful, and a perfectionist. Ultimately, God was not my priority. I was not looking to him to fulfill me; I was looking at people to do that. I took pride in what people thought of me. I wanted to be liked, and I hated it when I wasn’t.

            However, God literally stripped me of everything I ever found pride in. He said, “Oh, you find pride in your boyfriend, let me take that away.” “Oh, you find pride in the way people view you. Let me take that away. Oh, you find pride in being a ‘good’ Christian; let me allow you to mess up and realize you are far from good. Let me take everything away until all you have is Me. ONLY.” When God humbled me; that was the point where I was truly broken. I had nothing left, but God did not leave me there. In the midst of the chaos and pain, He held me in His arms and I knew He had so much He wanted me to learn. I chose to listen that day. I chose that I was going to do whatever God told me no matter how crazy it was. The first thing I needed to do was forgive myself. I had already asked God for forgiveness, and I knew He forgave me. Therefore, living in regret and shame was only hindering me from moving forward. God showed me how big and high and wide and deep His love and forgiveness and grace was. When I realized that God’s love for me had never changed, even when I had been living in sin, the first shackle fell off. Then I had to cut off communication with people that were pulling me away from the Lord, and I had to apologize to people as well.

         After all that, I started striving for Jesus. I wanted to know Him more. I wanted to have a better understanding of the gospel. I wanted my faith to be made stronger. I wanted to live in the present, not the past. It was a spiritual battle every day though. There were moments where I wanted to give up; moments where I felt like the pain was never going to ease. Moments where I wanted to fall back into shame and guilt and regret and fear. Moments where I could not stop obsessing over everything that had happened. I sometimes wondered if I was ever going to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, but everyday the Lord showed me something different. Healing was a process He held my hand through. He showed me what true and unconditional love is supposed to look like. He taught me how to say no when I needed to say no. He taught me the depravity of my sin, but the wonderfulness of His grace. He taught me how to not let fear guide my life. He taught me how to trust Him even if it didn’t make sense. He taught me about His Sovereignty. He taught me how to hear and follow His voice even if everyone else thought I was crazy. He taught me that other people’s view and opinion of me does not matter; that offending people is not always wrong, that I needed to stop finding my identity and security in how others viewed me. He taught me the gospel all over again. He showed me how to love broken people; to show love to everyone no matter how they treated me. He helped me see that I cannot look down on anyone for their struggles and sin. Truthfully, there was almost something sweet about my pain. The joy I received from getting to know Jesus more and from seeing Him change and grow and stretch me made the pain worthwhile.

              I’ll never forget the moment that I knew everything was okay; that I was okay. I had sent a text to someone trying to make a situation aware to them so that they would not think I was trying to go behind their back. But my motives were completely misunderstood, and I felt hurt by the hostility I received because of it. In that moment, to be perfectly honest, I wanted to go off on that person, maybe even call them a few bad words. But God spoke to me, and I realized I had a choice. You see, that was the moment I chose to forgive, and that was the moment I felt completely freed for the first time. I realized that I had been so focused on the wrongs I had done that I never dealt with the wrongs done to me. I had spent months blaming myself for things that weren’t even my fault. Not only had I taken responsibility for what I had done wrong, but I had taken responsibility for everything that had happened because I had been living with the mentality of “This is all my fault.” It was like this switch went off in my mind. This may sound bad, but it was such a relief to realize this and feel so free that when I reread the text I actually laughed. I went to my counselor that week (Yes, I did start going to Christian counseling for help during the midst of my depression, and it was really neat. I was absolutely terrified at first, but I realized there is no shame in admitting you need help because you can’t do it on your own.) Anyways, she immediately could tell there was a difference. She looked at me and she said: “Kendyl, you have changed. When you first came in here, your whole demeanor gave off that you were carrying such a heavy load; but I can tell now that that load you were carrying is gone.” And I’m happy to say it is gone, and it is all because of Jesus.

              This is who I am now. I am a passionate follower of Christ who still struggles and sometimes falls, but I pick myself up and I continue to strive after Christ when I do. I’m far from perfect, but I strive to know Him and the gospel more every day. I accept that I am who I am, not because of anything I have done; but because of what Christ has done through and in me. The only thing I can find pride in is Him. Also, surprise, but life is not about pleasing people. That one was real fun to learn (notice my sarcasm), but I’m much happier having learned it. I was once broken, but have now been made whole and complete in the eyes of Christ. I live to make Him known. I am thankful for my trial. I am thankful for my brokenness. Without it, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. And everyday someone tells me I am different is a day I can say “Only because of Jesus.” I don’t dwell in my past because I have been freed from it. Christ has healed my broken heart. I love the way George Matheson put it. He said, “Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbows.”

For me, I truly believe He has.